


Shrapnel

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [48]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Guilt, Loki Angst, Loki's a goddamn mess and I am not helping, M/M, Mind Control, That Thanos Dude, kind of a countdown to Civil War fic but not really, more of Bucky and Loki's weird friendship, oh whoops this is a problem, this won't create new problems down the line at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-04 23:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6679255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are worse things than nightmares tucked away in Loki's mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shrapnel

**Author's Note:**

> I have a whole bunch of explanations and commentary but I'm worried that tacking them on at the front of this fic will make it seem like a) I don't trust my readers and b) that I feel like I don't think the work can stand on its own. So I'm going to leave that, and if you're curious about how anything works/my rationale for some of my choices in this here fic thing, please feel free to ask either in a comment or (for a likely prompter answer) on my Tumblr. 
> 
> Ages ago, the wonderful [pro-antagonist](http://pro-antagonist.tumblr.com) prompted me for something where Loki got triggered in a soldier kind of way (like, some kind of hidden brain hacking code, I assumed) and this was...one of the things that came out of that. (There's another one, I'm not sure if that one's ever going to see the light of day.) While I have my reservations, I overall decided I liked this fic. 
> 
> You will also notice that this is the fortieth installment of the Remember This Cold verse! I've lost control of my life completely! I was thinking about trying to do something special in that fortieth spot, but I'll just save that for the four year anniversary of this series, which is also coming up (May 17th: feel free to send me fanart of five paragraph essays about what you love about this series on that day). 
> 
> Without further ado, and with many thanks to my delightful beta [ameliarating](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), on with the show.

Steve woke up in the middle of the night at a shift in Loki’s breathing. It was very slight, but Steve tended to sleep lightly, and with Loki’s face pressed into his shoulder it was hard not to notice.

It was nothing more than a slight irregularity – a brief unevening of the steady, slow rhythm of sleep, but something tweaked Steve’s nerves just the same. Which was why he was awake when Loki rolled over and attacked him.

It was very fast – from sleep to waking in the blink of an eye. It was only angles that let Steve take Loki’s fist glancing off his jaw rather than straight to the mouth, and then his hands went for Steve’s throat, pinning him down. At first Steve thought he was dreaming, or in the aftermath of dreaming, and he shouted Loki’s name to jar him out of it but there was no response at all, not even a blink.

 _I’m sorry,_ Steve thought, and pulled Loki down so that his head slammed into Loki’s nose. It didn’t do much but make Steve’s head ring, but it distracted Loki enough to let Steve get a knee between them and the momentum to throw him off and to the floor.

Loki hit the ground hard and jerked himself up gracelessly, armor shimmering into being. Steve rolled across the bed to put it between them, though he had no illusions about how much protection that would offer. The expression on Loki’s face – reminded him of what he’d looked like first waking, after Doom. Was this like that, some kind of, of-

He’d never forgive himself if he hurt Steve like this. “Loki,” Steve said, keeping his hands out, both placating and ready to defend. “It’s just me. Steve.” His shield was out in the living room, which might as well be Mars. Loki was stronger and faster than he was, and he could always reach his weapons. He hated thinking like that, like Loki was an opponent, but…

The window was at his back. Three story drop if he went through it, and he could probably get up from that but maybe not in one piece without the shield to break the fall. Loki took a prowling step forward, lips peeling back from his teeth, and this was some kind of nightmare, had to be. Any second now he’d wake up and it’d be over.

He could see Loki’s body coiling tight and braced himself to go through the window, except Loki went still like he’d been jerked to a halt by strings, head turning like he was listening for something. And vanished.

Steve stayed where he was for a moment, heart pounding fit to burst his chest and breathing coming hard and short. Finally, he managed to come unstuck, and stumbled over to his phone, yanking the plug out. _What the hell just happened, what the hell just,_ even as he pulled up the menu and called the first number that came up.

“’lo?” Bucky’s voice sounded blurry and not a little disgruntled.

“Bucky,” Steve said, and his voice came out like a gasp. Felt like a gasp, like he couldn’t get enough air, and dammit, the last thing he needed was to _panic_ right now. “Something’s wrong. Something’s gone _badly_ wrong with Loki.”

“What?” Bucky sounded more alert now. “What does that mean?”

Steve looked around the apartment, half hoping Loki would have reappeared, confused and scared, maybe, but not – like he’d been. Looking at Steve with murder in his eyes. But he was still gone, who knew where, doing who knew what-

He felt lightheaded and tried to force it down. _Focus._ “I’ll be right there,” he made himself say. “Just – if you see Loki…” What was he supposed to say? Steve forced himself to exhale. “I’ll be right there,” he repeated, and hung up.

* * *

Bucky yanked the door open almost before Steve knocked, disheveled and wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants and a sock on one foot. “What’s going on,” he said, almost snarled, and Steve felt his precarious control wobble.

“Loki,” Steve said. “He – something happened. He woke up and attacked me and then vanished. You haven’t – he hasn’t come here, has he?”

Bucky jerked back. “Attacked you? Loki?” He sounded genuinely surprised, and one of Steve’s fears ebbed slightly. Steve nodded, swallowing hard.

“And not just like – it wasn’t just reflexive,” he said. His stomach was starting to hurt. “It was like he was actually going to kill me. I don’t – Bucky-”

“Come on,” Bucky said, glancing both ways into the hallway and pulling Steve inside, giving him a little push toward a chair. “Sit down. Has anything like this happened before?”

Steve shook his head. “Not like this.” He felt shaky, the full impact of what had happened starting to hit him. He wished he could ask for some whiskey and have it do anything. Bucky paced back and forth.

“Did he say anything? Did anything, anything different happen, right before-”

“No,” Steve said, “no, it was like a switch just…flipped, one second he was sleeping and the next he was…it wasn’t like a nightmare,” he said.

Bucky shook his head. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “No, I’m not…” He paused. “Loki ever said anything about anyone mucking around in his head?”

Steve felt like he’d just been dunked in a bucket of ice water as he realized what Bucky was saying. “You think – you think this was some kind of programming?” he asked, stomach churning. Bucky jerked his head to the side.

“I think it seems likely,” he said, voice humming with as much tension as his body. “If this Thanos guy did as thorough a number on Loki as it seems like…it’d surprise me if there weren’t some kind of fail-safe if Loki tried to go rogue.”

Steve felt sick. “Oh, god,” he said. If Loki did anything, hurt anyone- he bent forward, feeling light-headed. After a moment Bucky’s hand landed lightly on his back, hesitant and sort of awkward.

“Steve,” he said, “Stevie, hey. Breathe with your whole lungs.”

Steve focused on that for three deep, painful breaths. “We have no way of knowing where he is,” Steve said, anguished. “If he’s – if he’s under some kind of control, he might not even be on this planet anymore.”

Bucky shook his head. “Not necessarily. There’s still something on this planet we know he wants. Right?”

The Infinity Stones, Steve remembered. _Vision._

“I need to get upstate,” he said. He couldn’t help but think about Loki’s fear, and Steve had reassured him, _it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine._ And here they were and it wasn’t, Thanos had been able to reach across space and get into Loki’s head and turn him into a weapon. He thought of the look in Loki’s eyes, the blank lack of expression, and wondered how much Loki even knew what he was doing. He stopped breathing for a second, stomach churning in his throat.

He looked helplessly at Bucky, who looked pale and tense too, and felt selfish. He’d never lived that. Bucky had.

“Go get one of Stark’s planes,” Bucky said. “I’ll be right there.”

* * *

Getting the loan of a plane took some finessing and more time than Steve wanted to spend. He knew what he _should_ do, which was tell Tony everything, but he had a feeling Tony would want to go in guns blazing. He and Loki had never got on very well - barely tolerated, most of the time - and after Ultron even that seemed to have deteriorated. Steve didn’t want to give him an excuse to think the worst.

If that was uncharitable, Steve could live with it. _Loki’s_ relationship with Tony wasn’t the only one feeling a little strained. But if he could tell that Tony was trying to get more out of him, Steve kept dodging, and eventually he seemed to get tired and threw up his hands. “Right, do what you want,” he said, sounding slightly irritated. “Knew you only loved me for my toys.”

Bucky didn’t join him until Steve reached the hangar, and then he just seemed to appear out of the shadows. “I was wondering where you were,” Steve said, after he recovered from the start that gave him (half expecting Loki). Bucky shrugged.

“Stark doesn’t like me,” he said blandly, which made Steve blink and frown, though he supposed he’d sort of known that. “I didn’t think having me there would be helpful if he wanted to dig in his heels.” He shifted his shoulders. “Let’s get going. Who knows how long we have.”

Steve’s stomach clenched, and he just nodded. He took the pilot’s seat and steered the plane into the air. Bucky was quiet next to him.

“So what happened,” he asked, eventually. Steve swallowed hard.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Something...woke me up. And Loki, he just rolled over and went for me. I thought he was going to kill me, he wouldn’t respond to his name, nothing I did even made him flinch, and then it was like - he just stopped short, and vanished.” Steve felt sick, remembering. How much was Loki there, watching but unable to stop.

He thought again of what would happen if Loki - if _Thanos -_ used Loki to attack something. The military would be scrambled, whatever SHIELD was now would take action, the Avengers would be called in. To take Loki down. Even if he could survive that…

“Steve,” Bucky said, and he realized he was squeezing the controls too tightly. He tried to relax his muscles. “It’s going to be fine.”

“You don’t know that,” Steve snapped, and then immediately felt a pang of guilt. “Sorry. That was-”

“I don’t know it,” Bucky interrupted. “But that’s what you do, isn’t it? Pull off the improbable shit. Save people, a lot of times from themselves.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I’m just saying. In most fights I’d bet on you. At least now that your body matches your...determination.”

Steve smiled, very faintly. “Thanks, Buck.”

Bucky glanced at him, sidelong. “You don’t believe me,” he said, and Steve opened his mouth to protest, but he shook his head. “No, that’s fine. It’s not just about you. Loki’s...this has happened before. He’s had people in his head before. And if anyone could weasel their way out of some monster’s control…”

Steve made himself nod, looking straight ahead. Maybe Bucky was right. Maybe Loki had some kind of defense, or was fighting back from within, and that would be enough.

He pushed the plane a little faster. “Let’s hope so.”

* * *

Vision looked back and forth between them. As always, his expression was difficult to read. “No,” he said. “I have not seen Loki.”

Bucky’s expression spasmed. “Either we beat him here or we’re on completely the wrong track.”

Vision frowned. “Is something the matter with him?”

“No,” Bucky said roughly, at the same time as Steve said, “yes.” Vision didn’t raise his eyebrows, exactly, but he did look at them both with skepticism. Bucky looked away, and Steve realized belatedly that he didn’t know how to explain. The silence hung awkwardly until Bucky said, “you’ve heard about the big nasty, right? He might have hijacked Loki’s brain. And you’re the only one on this planet with something we know he wants.”

Vision’s expression turned concerned. “The Mind Stone,” he said, raising one hand to touch the gem in the center of his forehead. “I see.” He paused. “I am sorry. I have not seen him.”

Bucky swore, jerking to his feet. Steve sat very still. Loki could be anywhere. He could be back with – his tormentor, unable to break free, and Steve couldn’t reach him.

“What else does Thanos want?” Bucky asked. Steve could hear the strain in his voice, the anger and underneath no small amount of fear. “Death and destruction, how do you track something like that…”

Death and destruction. If Thanos used Loki to create that, if people saw Loki attacking, if he _killed_ anyone…

“Do you not have any way of contacting him?” Vision asked. Steve shook his head.

“I don’t think he brought his phone.”

“You don’t have some kind of magic emergency call?” Bucky asked, sounding incredulous, and now that he said it Steve wondered why he’d never thought of setting something like that up. A way for them to reach each other urgently if a phone was unavailable. When ( _when_ ) he got Loki back, he’d have to suggest it.

“No,” he said unhappily. “I don’t.”

He looked toward Vision, whose eyes were closed, the Mind Stone glowing faintly. “Vision?” Steve said, uncertainly.

“What’s he doing,” Bucky asked, taking a step back. He didn’t sound happy.

“Broadcasting,” Vision said mildly. “Loki reacted to the Mind Stone before. And if this Thanos wants it…”

“You’re putting out a lure?” Bucky asked. “You think that’ll work? He already knows where you are.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, “but-”

He felt a prickle on the back of his neck and turned before he was even aware of what it was he recognized about it. Loki’s knife missed him by a hair - a hair that would have been his neck a moment before. Bucky shouted and dropped behind cover – a part of Steve noticed that he dragged Vision with him, which was unnecessary but still somehow reassuring. Loki hadn’t stopped moving, though, his eyes fixed with a kind of insane intensity on Vision, and Steve always forgot how damn _fast_ he was.

Vision got free of Bucky and out of the way just in time. Loki’s fist went through the table instead of his face and Bucky rolled under Loki’s guard and swiveled to sweep his legs out from under him. Loki went down but was up again in an instant, picking Bucky up by the neck and just – throwing him into a bookcase. “Bucky!” Steve yelled running for Loki as he pivoted back toward Vision. “Loki-”

Just the slightest twitch-jerk of his head to the side. Very small, fractional. Enough.

Vision’s punch didn’t miss. Steve heard the unmistakable crunch of cartilage and winced, but Loki didn’t seem stopped or even slowed. Steve got around him, though, slid in between Vision and Loki, bracing himself with the shield raised, for all the good it would probably do. Loki looked right through him, teeth bared and blood dripping from his nose, and Steve’s stomach turned. He could see Bucky moving in the remains of the bookshelf.

“Captain Rogers,” Vision said, sounding quite calm. “Please get out of the way.”

“I don’t want you to hurt him,” Steve said, and then winced, and added, “—any more than we have to,” because he had to be realistic.

“Captain,” Vision said, and he sounded reproachful. Steve hesitated a moment too long.

Loki struck too fast to see. Steve _felt_ his head crack against the wall, eyesight doubling. Still, he could see the stone in Vision’s forehead flare bright, and then brighter, like it had in the fight against Ultron. _No,_ Steve wanted to say, because he had a feeling that kind of concentrated power could seriously hurt even Loki, but no beam shot out. Loki went still mid-attack – and folded like a wet rag.

Steve heard Bucky panting in the sudden quiet. Vision looked concerned, kneeling next to Loki’s sprawled body, and Steve pushed himself up in spite of the nausea that came on when he moved his head. Concussion, probably. “Is he – what did you do, is he-”

“Fine,” Vision said, his expression clearing. “As to what I did – I closed his mind.” He looked oddly gentle, turning Loki to his back and shifting his limbs so they were less of a tangle as Steve crawled over. “I presume that severed the connection with whoever was interfering. He should be himself, when he wakes.”

Steve slumped. “Thank God,” he said, and looked over toward Bucky, staggering over to them. “Buck, are you-?”

“Had worse,” he said with a tight smile. “Just some cracked ribs. Really – hits hard, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Steve said, reaching out to brush some of Loki’s hair off his face. “You can say that again.” He looked at Vision. “So when he wakes up…?”

“All should be well.” Vision looked faintly troubled. “I suppose this probably will not help with his wariness of me,” he said, and sighed. “Do you require help moving him somewhere more comfortable?”

Bucky was eyeing Vision with his own doubt. “No thanks,” he said, before Steve could answer. “We’re good.” Vision looked at Bucky, who oddly enough turned a little pink, but Vision nodded and moved away. Steve lifted Loki carefully with a quiet _oof,_ trying not to feel uneasy at the way his head flopped limply to the side. Bucky moved forward a little. “D’you need-”

“Your ribs,” Steve said, and Bucky grimaced, but backed off. Steve hesitated.

The smart thing would probably be to take Loki to one of the containment cells and put some restraints on him, just in case. But…if Loki woke up fine, like Vision said he would, then…things were going to be rough already. Loki was going to be upset enough at himself without feeling like Steve didn’t trust him.

He went to one of the guest rooms, Bucky trailing behind him, and deposited Loki on the bed there. He took a step back, feeling nauseated. He suspected it was only partly because of his head.

Bucky blew out a strained sounding exhale. “He’s not going to be happy,” he said lowly, which was one of the most significant understatements Steve had heard in a while.

“Yeah,” Steve said. His heart felt like lead. He was worried, he realized, that this could undo – _years_ of work, of progress. That Loki would push Steve away, or think he should leave, or…

Bucky’s jaw set. “As long as he doesn’t get stupid about it,” he said roughly. “And we’ll make sure he doesn’t.”

Steve set his jaw, trying to ignore the pulsing ache in his skull. “Yeah. We will.”

* * *

Loki came around while Steve was in the bathroom splashing cold water on his face. He heard a low groan and hastened back into the room as Bucky rose to his feet. Loki’s eyes squeezed tighter closed and then opened, looking dazed. _Maybe he won’t remember,_ Steve thought hopefully, and immediately felt guilty. “Mmmnn,” Loki said groggily.

“Loki?” Steve said, crouching down and taking Loki’s hand, folding it in both of his. “Hey. You’re fine.”

Loki’s eyebrows furrowed in evident conclusion. “What…” Steve saw the dawning realization start on Loki’s face, and opened his mouth to say anything, everything. _It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you, no one’s seriously hurt…_

“You owe me a new set of ribs, jackass,” Bucky said first. He stood up with a loud scrape of his chair. “Thanks for that.” Steve looked around at Bucky, surprised and not a little alarmed, but Bucky didn’t look back at him, eyes focused on Loki, who turned his head.

“James,” he said, looking almost stricken.

“We’ll call it an IOU,” Bucky said. “It’s fine. Maybe let me win at cards once in a while, gain back a little of my pride.”

Loki stared at Bucky as though he’d lost his mind. Swallowed. Steve gave his hand a squeeze.

“How’s your head,” he asked. Loki closed his eyes.

“Fine,” he said. His voice sounded rough. Steve squeezed his hand again.

“Liar,” he said, but gently. Loki said nothing, swallowing visibly again. “Loki…everyone’s fine. Bucky and I are the only ones a little banged up-”

“You’ve given me worse sparring,” Bucky interrupted, and Steve wanted to say _what are you talking about_ but now was probably not the time. Loki’s eyes stayed closed, and Steve shifted, looking for the right words. Bucky put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said, voice a little quieter. “This…Titan bastard. It was him, right? Cracking into your head?”

Loki’s inhale was sharp, not quite pained. “Yes,” he said after a moment. A shudder ran through him. “I thought he could not reach me. I thought he would not be able to-” Steve could see the start of a panic rising and squeezed Loki’s hand again.

“He can’t,” he said firmly, though he realized Vision hadn’t actually said that and he should probably have made sure first. “Vision – he did something, closed your mind? It stopped whatever he-” Steve carefully did not say _you_ , “was doing.”

Loki’s shuddering exhale did not sound comforted. “You think,” he said. “You hope, you cannot know for certain that – that there is not another way in, that he cannot – you were lucky. You were lucky, this time, I was, but next time-”

“There won’t be a next time,” Bucky said, almost harshly. “The robot fixed it.”

“He’s not a robot,” Steve said automatically as Loki squeezed his eyes closed, shaking his head.

“You do not know that. _Cannot_ know that. It is too dangerous, you have to-”

“Have to what,” Bucky interrupted, sounding almost belligerent. “Shoot you in the head? Lock you in a cage? Do you wanna do the same to me?” Steve felt a flash of terror, but Bucky was shaking his head. “Don’t be _stupid._ ”

“I am being realistic,” Loki protested, and Bucky repeated more loudly, “ _stupid._ ” Loki swallowed, eyes still closed.

“Loki,” Steve said, trying to keep his voice gentle, reasonable. “It’s fine. We’ll ask Vision about making sure it’s safe. Or maybe your mother, she could help?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said after a moment’s pause. “You scrubbed HYDRA out of my head. What’s the problem?”

Loki shook his head. “There is no comparing. He - the Titan, he is not-”

“Loki,” Bucky said, “shut up.” Loki’s eyes snapped to him, looking genuinely surprised. It could’ve, in another context, been funny. “I know you’re determined to preemptively bury yourself, but Steve and I are just going to keep shoveling you out. So it’s wasted effort, and not just for you. Effort that could maybe go somewhere else. You want to make up for something? Fix my ribs and Steve’s concussion and we’ll call it even.”

Loki looked back at Steve, frowning. “Concussion?” He said, and there was just a faint hint of something other than dismay and self-loathing in his voice, even if it was a note Steve recognized as dangerous. Still, it was better, which was why Steve crossed his arms and tried to look stubborn and not like he wasn’t sure he could stand straight.

“It’s nothing,” he said, and Bucky gave him a sharp look at then seemed to catch on, corner of his mouth twitching. Loki’s eyes narrowed and he pushed himself up on his elbows.

“Come here,” he said. Steve moved a little closer and Loki touched his fingers to his temples. Steve felt the still-strange prickle of _something_ over his skin, and the throbbing in his head eased along with the nausea. He let out a quiet breath of relief, though when he looked at Loki he looked unsteady and like he might be ill.

“James,” he said, but Bucky interrupted.

“Maybe when you don’t look like you’ll puke on me,” he said, holding up his hands. “We’ll just say you owe me one.”

Loki’s throat bobbed, looking back and forth between them. “So - what? This is simply over? Everything is _fine,_ you forget that I _attacked_ you, that I would have killed you?”

“Who in this room hasn’t tried to kill someone else in this room,” Bucky said, a little dryly. “And I’m pretty sure you weren’t.” Loki stared at him, blinking, and Bucky shrugged. “Trying to kill us, I mean. You’re a lot faster and a hell of a lot stronger than either Steve or me. If you - Thanos-” Loki flinched and Bucky twitched a shoulder. “Sorry. If he wanted us dead, we would be.”

Loki closed his eyes. “Only because he did not see you as important.”

“His mistake,” Bucky said. Steve gave Loki’s arm a squeeze.

“We’re fine,” he said. “And you’re fine. If you’re not sure about Vision’s method, we can call Frigga. Ask Wanda.”

Loki’s face spasmed. “I am never going to escape him,” he said, barely more than exhale.

“No,” Steve said roughly. “No, that’s not true,” but Bucky shifted.

“No, you’re probably right,” he said. Steve stared at him, but he kept going without looking at Steve. “What you’ve said, he doesn’t sound like the giving up type. So maybe escaping’s not in the cards. Why not do one better?” He set his jaw. “Beat him.”

Loki’s eyes opened, just a sliver. “You are both fools,” he said after a long moment. “Truly - complete and utter fools.”

“Takes one,” Bucky said dryly. Loki glowered at him for a moment before he slumped limply back.

“It’s over?” He said, and Steve could just hear the question in it. He gave Loki’s arm another squeeze and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“Yeah,” he said. “It is.”

And tried not to let his own tendrils of doubt grow. Tried not to add one more thing to the list of ways that he might lose this small piece of life he’d carved out for himself.

He needed to believe, not just for himself but for Loki, that everything would be all right.


End file.
